An open letter to my friend who has recently made it her current mission to change lives!

To. Change. Lives.

To encourage, enlighten, support and uplift women.

A few days ago I left a comment on one of your Instagram posts… To which you replied… “Wooo, child. This is deep!”

Amen. But, that’s only because my words reflected the work that you’re doing… Which is very deep. So, deep that my next rebuttal was way more characters than Instagram would allow. So, I -had- to state my peace in this e-mail.

I’ll start by saying…

“You can’t dig a different whole by digging the same one deeper.” – Edward De Bono

Going deep down into the trenches w/ these ladies… Into the recesses of their minds… Is where the healing begins.

That’s where you’ll find all the answers to all the questions to all the reasons to all the mistakes.

The very bottom. The beginning.

What you’re doing w/ these ladies is dismantling the entire archiac foundation that patriarchy and sexism was built upon; manipulation, confusion, doubt and fear!

…because as we all know ••• James 1:8 – “A double-minded (wo)man is unstable in all his ways.”

Therefore, a healthy mind (ladies) has no room for manipulation, confusion, doubt or fear!

A single-minded (wo)man is -never- confused she is *always* coherent, which means logical and consistent.

But, they (manipulators, oppressors, narcissists) don’t want our minds sharp, confident and focused… Nope. Not when it comes to our self-worth and definitely not when it comes to how we interact w/ men.

Reka, you may have just set out to change a few lives on this journey by sharing your past tests that turned into your testimonies… But, this calling on your life is about to take up much more territory than what you probably anticipated. Because, deeply rooted trees, not only need enough space to grow but also enough time to come into full bloom.

You once told me that… “If I can help just ONE girl… All of this would be worth it!”

Well, I’m sorry… My friend, my sister, my pud. But, I’m here to formally let you know that… Jesus, Thee Alpha and Thee Omega, The King of Kings, The Lord of Lords, Our Resurrected Savior, The Son of God, The Word, The Way, The Truth, The Life… HE.

He gently placed an assignment on his daughter’s heart… A mission that needed to be carried out to fruition specifically by YOU!

A mission that was far more elaborate than helping just ONE girl. This is a mission of abundance!

However, the substance of this particular mission needed to be firstly, loved. It also needed to be understood, cultivated and THEN executed.

Loved = Your Passion for Guiding Others/Philanthropy

Understood = Your Past Relationships Garners You w/ Non-Judgmental Experience

Cultivated = Your Extensive Research on Relationships/Studies/Training/Certifications

Execution = Your Years of Experience as a  Radio Host/Motivational Speaker/Life Coach —> Qualified to Deliver the Message

An earthly assignment… He knew he could trust YOU with.

This calling on your life just took a major turn… Because what you’re embarking upon is necessary and important. Work that has the potential to distort an entire cultural and social structure!

This blueprint, this status quo of misogyny, was strategically put into place since the dawn of civilization for very specific reasons. –> To oppress. Then to marginalize in order to manipulate. –> Which then leads to control. –> Leaving most succumbing to ownership!

Being owned is thee end game!

“If you control their minds, their bodies will follow ” – This phrase has been most notably used by pimps across the globe. Yes, by pimps… Referring to women (prostitutes). A pimp. Someone whose sole purpose in life is to…*drumroll* –> You guessed it! Oppress, marginalize, manipulate, control and then OWN women.

It’s no coincidence that most women who have been in relationships, no matter their age, race, religion, educational background, economic status, physical appearance, etc… Have dealt w/ most, if not all, of these toxic behaviors.

So, here comes Reka… Who is about to have thousands of women (god-willing) walking around the world w/ the AUDACITY to stand in their power, in their truth, in their self-worth, in their integrity and in their happiness!

Rules made by them FOR them.

What!?

You mean to tell me… Women will conjure up the nerve to actually have genuine confidence, discernment and boundaries!? Oh! …and let’s not forget pure joy in their hearts as well. All because w/ wisdom there will be no room for confusion.

Amazing.

Then these newly-enlightened, goddesses will in-turn have the unmitigated-gall to pass all of this knowledge and insight they’ve acquired, regarding problematic behaviors, toxicity and red flags – directly down to the next generation!? All so this dangerous cycle doesn’t continue?!

Yikkkes!

Yep. You’ve started something revolutionary, Reka!

They say ‘heavy is the head the wears the crown’… But, I believe Rickie, Rosalyn and the ancestors have prepared those shoulders to carry a lot of weight – for a lot of people… and for a damn good reason!

So, yes this is deep, friend. But, nothing you can’t handle.

Proud of you!

#WalkingINPurposeONPurpose

#SingleYOU

-April xoxo

How Single You Helped Me

Let me start by saying that I did not know what I was signing up for.  LOL, sorry Reka. 

A good friend sent me a post from Reka’s facebook page and I read it and was like… ok, I’m interested.  I signed up thinking that I was just going on her private Facebook group but instead I signed up on an interest page.  Oh boy I had no idea what I was in for.  The following day I received an email asking what time I would like to meet to have our one on one.  I was so confused. 

Looking back now, I know that God definitely had his hand in this one.  I had recently divorced and was searching for answers. 

I had been on my own journey the past 2 ½ years.  I spent my time going to counselling, confiding in close friends and reading as much as I could to make myself a better me.  However, there were things that I just couldn’t figure out (boundaries).  I listened to everyone, read the books but I could never put what I was learning into action.  Everyone would tell me it’s easy you just do it… stop thinking and do…  For me it wasn’t that easy… Reka’s program propelled me forward, with practical and sound advice. 

What a Zoom Call With Reka is Like

During our first one on one I was shocked…yes I was shocked, this was “Reka” from the radio.  But let me tell you, she is so much more than a radio host (yes, she’s amazing at that too).  She is a woman of 

God and she wears many hats! Her passion is to help woman.  Her goal is to equip them to be better then they were the day before, the month before or the year before.  Our initial conversation lasted about 30 min.  She inquired about my past and how I wanted to see myself in the future.  Let me tell you, she is patient and gentle.  She listened as I gave her a run down of my past 3 years.  My husband had left me for another woman, I was raising 3 boys, and I had zero… yes zero boundaries. 

The Difference Between a Counselor and Reka (a Life Coach)

In counseling I had worked on my past.  For a while it was brutal but what I discovered was eye opening.  I had grown so much during that time.  Now was the time to take that growth and allow Reka to show me how to put what I learned and use it to benefit my future.  With her program we learn how to like ourselves again.  The ultimate goal is not just to “like” ourselves but instead LOVE ourselves for all we are and have become.  Setting standards and boundaries keeps us accountable to our wants and needs.  When we do this it builds our confidence.  She tells us to accept nothing less than what we deserve why?  Because WE ARE WORTH IT! 

Her program helps us understand ourselves, our finances and even our mishaps of trying to date the wrong guy.  Take it from me when you haven’t dated in 27 years… it is shocking.   Her open forum is safe, educational and fun. 

She gives us assignments to help really pinpoint what we want, what not to “settle” for and what we expect to learn not only about ourselves but about life.  She has put us in touch with some pretty amazing people and given us some excellent resources to keep us working on US. 

Why Single You?

Well for me it is a community of like minded women that share similar experience.  These women are supportive, non judgmental and are here to listen when you need feedback or encouragement. 

Reka checks on us.  She checks on our goals, our lives, our concerns and is continually asking what she can do to make her platform a better experience.  My goal, once I chose to accept it, was to discover how to set boundaries.  Being a people pleaser, boundaries have always been a huge issue for me.  Sticking to your boundaries shows that you know your value and your worth.  When you are confident in these things your life will change; you will no longer allow people to violate your boundaries.  Your greatest strength is when you discover you are enough, period!  When you get to this point YOU take your power back.  You make the choice to make yourself a priority.  It isn’t selfish, it’s the greatest gift we give ourselves.  The work isn’t easy. 

It may make you mad or even sad, just know that it will change you.  Mad makes for a powerful motivator .  Sad leads to Satisfaction.   So get mad, get sad because it’s the motivation you need to obtain the satisfaction you desire. 

And just so you know…It’s ok not to be ok all the time.  Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and have the grace to start again.  

God Has Risen

What my walk without God cost me. 

The only time I’ve heard the Lord speak SO clearly in an audible way is in the midst of that terrible abusive relationship. He said; “I will use this story”, it was so clear and in 2017 when that relationship finally ended, I had no idea what God meant cause I wasn’t going to tell anyone what just happened to me. 

So on this resurrection Sunday I’m here for the woman who was like the old me. I’m not here to judge you, sis or tell you you’re a ‘stupid woman’ as most will. “You should have known better” yada yada. 

You don’t know what you don’t know and not exposed to. The best gift I was given was the introduction to God when I was born and I was raised that way. 

So I pray for the women who’s ears are supposed to hear my voice…

Maybe you do believe in God but have no idea what a life walk with him looks like

• You have no idea what a relationship with God looks like. 
• Didn’t grow up in the church but you see the people around you “doing this Christian thing”. 

The Best Thing You Can Do For Yourself

I started by asking God, ‘Who am I’, ‘Who does God say I am’. (shout to my solo trip tovMexico). 

I knew that I NEVER wanted to live the life I was living before 2017 and I knew that I needed to understand who God was from my own perspective. Not what I was taught or saw. 

There is too much emphasis put on marriage and kids. No one checks on the single woman (or man). No one asks, how is your single season going? What is God telling you about marriage? Do you think He wants you to be married? What about kids? Nope… the bible is just thrown at us and we’re told to wait until marriage. 

What Do I Mean by Seeking God?

Xo,

 Reka

The Single Girls Life Coach

What to learn how to stop tying your identity and worth to a man? Schedule our zoom here. 

Below, I will suggest a book you can read, which goes into detail of what a ‘narcissist’ is. I’ve dated one and all women must know the signs of abuse, so you can get out..in the beginning. The longer you stay, the harder it is for you to leave. Trust me. 

In “Single You” we talk about these signs and more a lot. 

The more you know, the less likely abuse will happen to you. 

I remember about a year ago, posting the following on my IG page and immediately receiving this question…

‘An ex used to get mad at me when a dude hit on me or even looked my way. Somehow he would always end up blaming it on me. Wait for the boyfriend that laughs when you get hit on and smiles because he sees it as a compliment. Wait for that guy’ 

DM: Can you kindly explain why this is important… I think I’m starting to realize that now myself, but I think In the past someone like me wouldn’t fully understand the value in this type of man?

Me: Hey ladybug! I’m glad you’re coming around on knowing who the better guy is. Here is my understanding a man who acts like my ex is acting out of insecurities and fear. A man acting out of insecurities and fear most likely does not like himself. A man that does not like himself is very dangerous. 

“I’ve never met a man who liked himself and beat his wife” – TD Jakes

Insecurities, we all have them BUT those need to be worked out in therapy or in one’s own time, not taken out on ‘his woman’ (or your man). Which is why the most important thing for me was that my next guy KNOWS himself. I don’t have time to work through childhood issues with someone anymore. I got out of the ‘fixing’ a man business and will never go back. At the very least, a man who doesn’t know himself will yell at you and want to argue a lot, as my ex did. Is that the relationship you want? 

At the very worst, he could kill you. Are you willing to take the gamble?

**MESSAGE** Let’s go a little deeper… 

(this was a topic we had on my radio show and I HAD to speak up on it)

He should NOT be allowed your password, to your phone, facebook, etc., all because he’s asking/demanding to have it. He doesn’t get to tell you who you’re allowed to be friends with on facebook or in real life. No matter how nice he’s asking.

***note*** that is a sign of abuse.

I’ve been there and when my abusive ex would make a big deal about my phone always being on silent, etc., I would think:

1. He doesn’t trust me. 

2. I need to show him I’m trust-worthy. 

I had the ***WRONG*** thought process honey and it put me in a relationship that I didn’t sign up for. I was constantly trying to prove myself to him. I knew I was a good woman and I wanted to prove to him that I was, so he could see and stop yelling, complaining and accusing me all the time.

Today, I’m happy to say, I will never again try to convince a man (or anyone) that I’m a good woman. I just am and if he doesn’t see that, then he’s not the man for me.

Ps. He was cheating (I had no idea) yet I was constantly trying to prove myself? Lawd.

The problem is we don’t know or understand human behavior. Someone demanding your phone passwords, etc., is at the very least, a sign of an insecure man. Baby girl, an insecure man will either leave you anyway or abuse you. At MOST this is a sign of an abuser, someone who wants control over your life. Which leads to abuse. Are you willing to take that gamble?

I’m willing to bet that most women who have been abused by a man verbally and/or physically will tell you, ‘this is how it starts’. So instead of saying ‘what’s the big deal, I have nothing to hide’ – say ‘this is a red flag’ and run! Being nice to someone, pacifying their insecurity will lead you down a road you didn’t sign up for. Ie., calling one of your longest and dopest friends Scott (in front of your ex as requested) saying you can’t be friends anymore — shaking like a leaf (read). 

No one gets to determine you’re shady just because they feel like you’re being shady. That has everything to do with THEM and not YOU. You know you’re not hiding anything and you’re not in the wrong, BELIEVE YOU over him. He doesn’t get to unpack his baggage into your life.

And girl, if you’re the one demanding access to your man’s phone, you are the one with insecurities and you’re not ready for a serious relationship.

YOU ARE NOT READY, it’s that simple. You don’t get to unpack your bullshit into his life. All men are not cheaters, put your insecurities back into your bag and go unpack them yourself until they are gone. 

I can’t even imagine (ever again) a relationship where we sit down, at a table across from each other and exchange passwords… is it on a post-it note or a notepad, or does he have a good memory? 

Next thing you know, since I can barely remember my passwords, I end up having to change my Yahoo password because I tried logging in on a new computer and I couldn’t remember it. I forget to mention this ‘changing of the password’ to him and all of a sudden when he discovers this, I’m shady in his eyes again and it’s a BIG ABUSIVE BLOW-UP.  

Before you move forward with a relationship like this, ask yourself the following…

If he’s asking: do I want to be with someone who doesn’t trust me?

That question alone would have stopped me from dating my abusive ex.

If you’re demanding passwords: do I want to be with someone I don’t trust? 

This question should give you pause. Why don’t you trust him? Your insecurities? Or he’s given you evidence? In both situations, you should leave. Period. 

xo 

R.

Can you do me a favor? First, If you made it this far, you’re the REAL MVP! If you like what you read and feel someone else you know could use some inspiration, please share this blog post. The twitter and FB share option is below. It’s FREE to share and it’ll help in spreading the energy of ‘Singleness Is Not A Punishment.’

And don’t forget to subscribe! Did you see the pop-up? The next video you’ll get is “How To Get Over Him.”

This is an #AskReka edition blog post. You’re more than welcome to sliidddee into my DMs, just like this young lady.

Ps. Women only – trust me, if you’re a man you may get your head bit off.

Thanks

– mgmt

DMer writes:

Reka –

Girl I need someone to talk to, you’ve been helping me stay positive! My ex has been hitting me up “I’m so sorry, you didn’t deserve what I did, I miss you” blah blah blah right.. well let me tell you about my growth after two weeks have past without him. I moved in with my mom, I’m swearing off guys (for now) and I’m working on my mental health (reading) also getting that book you talked about on your live by Devon Franklin.

I just got promoted at work which is such a boost of confidence in itself. What I’m having trouble with, especially last night, I felt lonely as hell. As sad as that sounds! After a long shift at work my feet hurt, I just crawled in bed and wished I was being cuddled. I have a feeling that was because of my broken heart with my ex.. now I don’t like that feeling, do you know of anything that has helped you with this same particular feeling? 

I respond:

Hey girl –

So happy you reached out to me girl. Happy to help. So first I want to say GOOD JOB! Leave him where he stands, he showed you who HE is (not right for you) and YOU need to continue to BELIEVE him (Maya A). So look in the mirror and say YOU GO GIRL. You’re doing so well, so throw yourself a dance party. It could be just you and your favorite jam. Also, *high 5* on swerving guys. YOU are not ready to be in another relationship anyway. As you said you’re working on your mental health and a guy will derail that (You better be a reader, I see you!!!!!!!!).

Now that you’re working on your mental health, start asking yourself. Who am I? What type of life do I want to create? The things you don’t like about you, change it, if you can, if you can’t, accept it. The things you like, feed that, highlight the F out of it!

Now as for being lonely. I wish I could tell you that it goes away. It doesn’t (not all the way) but it does get easier. Cry when you need to. I did. Accept the moment. It will pass. DO not text a guy to feed that.

Have you ever watched your friends (on IG) with their families and kids having a good time, on the beach, (and your stuck in a snow globe) and they are just out having fun and you’re at home reminding Netflix that ‘you’re still watching’… oh cause THATssssssssssss me. I do have a few friends who are married and/or have kids. So unfortunately for me (GREAT parents for the kids) that means Reka, isn’t their #1 priority. I TOTALLY get that. HOWEVER for me it gives me a twidge of LONELY — but the busier I am the less I — 1. watch IG or 2. care because I’M BUSY and off creating the life I want.

I have HUGE goals but I also have a ‘to do’ list every day and I challenge myself to get it done (one thing I don’t like about myself is that I’m lazy – so I had to make a game of it for me) EVERY DAY. What’s your ‘to do’ list girl? Make a list (seriously) and cross it off, every day. Heck even put stickers by what you’ve accomplished. Also reward yourself with something that you really want (if it fits in your budget) if you conquered something huge in a month. YOU need to get into the habit of celebrating YOU. The grass is not always greener. Grass is truly ONLY greener where you water it. I’ve also had my married friends say — ‘wish I could have lived the single life like you a little more before I got married or had kids’ — doesn’t mean they hate their husband or kids. It’s just a feeling and it’s fleeting… as is that ‘lonely’ feeling. I hope this helps *hug*

Ps. The life you want to create MAY change especially because you are young BUT remember this rule: it ONLY changes if YOU want it to. Not for someone else and/or just to be in a relationship!

So I ask you, yes you reading, hi! Lonely? What’s wrong with that? Why is that such a negative? Would you rather be lonely or miserable with someone laying on your couch and you’re in your room crying?

I stay busy so I don’t have to think about me being ‘alone’, I for one don’t feel lonely anymore. I’ve gotten over that hump but I get it. It’s always nice to cuddle but I have pillows *teehee* and I keep myself BUSY!

Listen I’m up at 430a (on my best day) and I’m off by 1p. That time is FILLED with my show stuff, executing my show and then planning the next days show. I have a rule, that I’m not necessarily allowed to check social media, unless 1. it has to do with my show or 2. I’m done with my work!

After 1p, I fill my day with walking Champ (my pit-bull), reading, cooking, blogging, answering messages/emails from you, school work, staying connected with my friends and that usually fills up 6 hours. So now we’re at 7p on a week day and DAMN it’s dang near time for bed but I also try to squeeze in a show of mine! Right now I’m re-watching all the Marvel Universe movies to catch up before April 26th (END GAME!!!!). I stay busy — in stride to create the life I want. I don’t want to be where I am now (in life) when the clock strikes midnight for 2020. Therefore, I have NO time to think “I’m lonely” – my whole day consist of me going “damn girl I’m proud of you”.

Where do you want to be at Midnight on Jan. 1, 2021? Getting there starts NOW!

If you continue to work on you darling *Mariah voice* you’ll also be able to say, one day, ‘what’s wrong with being lonely’ – in your Demi Lavoto voice of course!! *wink*

Can you do me a favor? First, If you made it this far, you’re the REAL MVP! If you like what you read and feel someone else you know could use some inspiration, place share this blog post. The twitter and FB share option is below. It’s FREE to share and it’ll help in spreading the energy of ‘Singleness is not a punishment.‘

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Lastly, You can find me on IG here and facebook here – let’s connect